And now a lesson in time management...

So, I have to work full time this semester, seeing as this is the first time I've lived with out the financial cushion of living with a couple. Despite the obvious dismay I have about asking people what salsa they want for 40 hours each week, I do really enjoy living alone with my sister. It's nice to have someone that was raised with you and enjoys the same food and lifestyle ideals as you do... making smores in the living room together 3 nights a week and staying up late watching chick flicks is also more or less the shiznit lol.

School is back in full motion and I'm doing my best to stay optimistic about my less than ideal time situation. Working 40 hours a week while taking 16 credit hours is proving exhausting. Luckily I'm very competitive with myself, or else I think I may have already burnt out.


Here's what my time frame is like:
Monday:
Classes: 9:30 - 4:50
Tuesday:
Class: 11:30 - 2:20
Work: 4:00 - 11:00
Wednesday:
Classes: 9:30 - 4:50
Thursday:
Class: 11:30 - 2:20
Work: 4:00 - 11:00
Friday:
Classes: 9:30 - 12:20
Work: 4:00 - 11:00
Saturday:
Work: 8:00 - 4:00
Sunday:
Work: 8:00 - 4:00

I also spend most Tuesday and Thursday mornings working on my sculpture class hw, Sunday nights are devoted to drawing, which is give or take 7 - 10 hours, Saturday nights are devoted to math hw, and wednesday nights are the only nights I get to see my boyfriend... :(

My biggest concerns this semester are:
-Not spending enough time on my art
-Estranging my boyfriend and friends through lack of contact
-Severe sleep deprivation
-Finances

I'm just really worried about spreading myself too thin, but alas, these were the cards I was dealt, and I'm going to try to do my best in every aspect.



I doubt I'll make it to the gym though. lol





I'm getting some interesting art done... I don't know that my drawings are where I want them to be yet, but I'm really trying to push more conceptual qualities of my art... it's surprisingly emotionally exhausting.




















In completely unrelated news, I finally got my kitten Mozilla spayed! :) I've been saving up for tuition and she started to show signs of going into heat again (once was enough to almost drive me mad) so I snipped the problem (no pun intended) right away, and she was in, out and drugged up in one day. :) Grand total came out to $117 at the SPCA, which was about $150 cheaper then what her vet quoted me at. I felt so bad for her after though... she looked like she was tripping, but I figure it's better then having to feel the pain of the surgery lol. Her sutures are holding up nicely and her shaved belly is adorable... She's gotten a lot more affectionate, but unfortunately she still meows incessantly at any and all closed doors, as well as when she's just plain bored... so as long as i keep my door open at night she's a happy(and purry) camper. :)

More later... for now, sleep!

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Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

"Kali is a Hindu goddess associated with death and destruction. The name Kali means "black", but has by folk etymology come to mean "force of time (kala)". Despite her negative connotations, she is today considered the goddess of time and change.

Her eyes are described as red with intoxication and in absolute rage, her hair is shown disheveled, small fangs sometimes protrude out of her mouth and her tongue is lolling. She is often shown naked or just wearing a skirt made of human arms and a garland of human heads. She is also accompanied by serpents and a jackal while standing on a seemingly dead Shiva, usually right foot forward to symbolize the more popular Dakshinamarga or right-handed path." From Wikipedia.

Here's one of my favorite drawings from last semester: Self Portrait as Kali. I was continuing with the idea of my identity. I wanted to start portraying aspects I would like to see in myself.

This is based off of the Hindu goddess Kali (with no disrespect of course). I really admire her symbol as a creature of time and change. I admire her strength, and its something I would like to resonate in my own life.

Without, ya know... beheading people. lol.



I've been contemplating and mulling over my own identity, how it has changed for good or bad, where it will continue to change... It's not something I normally do, as my normal mantra for life is to simply live it, not mull over its meaning. As I'm facing a major turning point in my life, though, I find myself continually thinking on where I want to go, who I want to become, and what I want to accomplish with my life... this only life I get.

I've also been struggling with what being an artist means to me as well, how it fits into my personality and identity... More on that another time.

On a side note, my boyfriend told me one of the most romantic things I had ever heard a few weeks ago. I was really upset over the possibility of being suspended from school for the rest of the year (which luckily did not happen) and I was sobbing as we were leaving the restaurant we were at. Keep in mind, school, and my art classes, mean the WORLD to me... not being able to be in school would literally make me feel completely incompetent.

So I was freaking out and worrying too much (like I do) and went on this snowball rant that involved me feeling insecure with Lu, and he said in response, looking me in the eyes, as I stood there blubbering like an idiot, "Beleek, I love you... I love All of you." It was so simple and to the point and I'm not sure why... I don't know if I had ever believed anyone else that had said more romantic things or not... but he said it so honestly and so frankly and it just made my heart swell. I am so lucky to have him.

"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another."

“You change your life by changing your heart.”

Many good changes are in store for me... I'm really looking forward to it. :)

//

Sometimes, I just don't understand people.

//

Random.

"If you realized how powerful your thoughts are, you would never think a negative thought."

"There are as many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in the year's course. Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word 'happy' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness."

I've been trying to recapture the optimist inside of me... it has somehow left me in the past year, and I hate that I feel bitter and resentful and negative when there are so many good things in my life right now. I want to put my perspective back into balance, take a breath, and sit back and appreciate everything I have in my life.

"The face is the mirror of the mind, and eyes without speaking confess the secrets of the heart." -St. Jerome

On a side note... Here is another favorite quote of mine, mostly because my boyfriend can always tell exactly how I'm feeling, despite my best efforts to hide it. I'm so lucky to have him. He is so good to me... he's everything I could have wanted in someone, and so much more... I'm trying my best to return the favor. I really want to work and grow with him even if we don't get married in the end or what have you... I don't care right now, I'm in no rush... but he inspires me, as lame as that sounds lol. There are things I never thought I would want or even consider doing, but he brings things out in me... he makes me want to try things I've never done before, he pushes me out of my comfort level, he helps me keep things in perspective... he's just as much my friend as he is my lover and I'm still so amazed at how well things have gone between us...

...lol sorry, didn't mean to gush lol. Just sort of spilled out as I was thinking of things I'm grateful for lol.

Meanwhile, back in Zimbabwe: Here are pictures from the photo shoot I did with Trish Nuss, my old Photo TA:

Her artist statement.

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Some drawings

So this hectic semester has finally come to an end, I have finally moved all of my stuff to my sweet new apartment, and I can finally sleep past 7:30 am again lol. So I figured I should dust off my keyboard and update my blog a little more frequently, seeing as now all I have to do is roll burritos 40 hours a week lol.

Here are some of my drawings from my Advanced drawing class... I was spread so thin this semester that I felt I couldnt really give the proper dedication to any one aspect of my life, so I was feeling extremely frustrated. I did not feel like an artist this semester and that put me in one of the foulest moods Ive ever been in... which is hard for me to accomplish. Either way, I still scraped out the semester with 3 A's and a B in Art History of India.

But anyway. Drawings, yes... my professor (Professor Haran, he was my drawing professor the semester my dad died) I think could tell I was really feeling low about the amount and quality of work I was producing, so he pulled me aside during class and talked to me... He ended up complimenting me, saying "You know that you are one of the top 2 in the class, right? You are an easy student, you have an instinct for drawing that leads you to make some really good drawings"

I was more or less beaming. lol. To hear something like that from a professor I respect and admire so much meant the world to me.

I think thats why Ive been regressing on thoughts of my dad. Because he and I were both so passionate about art that I cant NOT think about him, and after Professor Haran complimented me like that I wanted nothing more in the WORLD then to call up my dad and listen to him say "All right Squeak! Good job sweety."

I can only hope he was smiling down on me at that moment, chilling next to Jim Morrison and Jimi Hendrix in the big Steak N Shake in the sky lol.

I know he's better off now. But sometimes I worry Im not.

Anywho. Ive got a laundry list of things I need to get done today... for now, some drawings:

The Vickers family and death

So I was having a kinda crappy morning this morning, didnt sleep really well, had class super early, got soaked accidentally stepping in a puddle this morning, etc etc.

I talk to my mom a lot, and since the 2 year anniversary of my dad just happened last Thursday, I've been talking to her a lot more frequently. She always has a way of calming me down and help me find perspective again in that way only parents can.

But today she told me some gruesome news...
-----------
So the Vickers family goes as Follows

Grandpa Jack (still alive and kicking) -------- Grandma Ramona (deceased for 4 years)
Had 4 kids:

Uncle Steve (deceased for 3 years) -------- Aunt Cathy
Had 2 kids: Stevie and Michelle
My dad, Gary (deceased for 2 years) -------- My mom Maureen
Had 3 kids: Breena, Myself, and Brogan
Kenneth (died when he was only 9, got hit by a car)
Michael (still alive and doing well) -------- Aunt Crystal (also alve and doing well)


SO the entire Vickers family smoked for a large portion of their life, save my Grandma Ramona. She died 4 years ago of emphysema on February 14th.

My Uncle Steve died 3 years ago, after losing his battle with Lung Cancer, January 8, 2006.

My dad got into his car accident on February 13th, 2007, his heart stopped on the 14th, he was resuscitated and put in the medical coma that day. His heart stopped on March 19th, 2007 after 3 hours off of life support.
-------------------------
So, I asked my mom how she was doing, and she said not too well, she had just gotten off the phone with uncle Michael. My aunt Cathy had called the cops to her house. On the front patio of her house there was a plastic lawn chair, with a big plastic paint tarp under neath it, with a bunch of bleach and cleaning supplies. The Cops were outside, and she came out with a gun. She said "I dont want to hurt anyone." The cops tried to talk her into putting the gun down and she just said again as she sat down in the plastic lawn chair, "I dont want to hurt anyone."

She stuck the gun up under her jaw and pulled the trigger...


My mom hadnt realized she hadnt told me that Aunt Cathy had committed suicide, so she told me all this with the thought that I already knew she was dead.

I wasnt very close to her but she was a good woman, she was a jovial person.

She had called the cops so that they would find her, instead of my cousins, she left the bleach and the tarp down so they could clean everything easily afterwards. She was still thoughtful and considerate even in ending her life.

And that just shakes me to my core. I cant even imagine the grief she mustve felt after my uncles death to provoke herself to suicide. I feel so sorry for her that she had to go through that much pain, that pain that she felt she just couldnt handle.

But I'm relieved that she can rest easily now.

RIP Aunt Cathy.

//

Daddy.

I dont know what it is about being in art classes again, but I cant stop thinking about my dad...

It's also creeping up on the two year anniversary of his death. That is laying in the back of my mind...

I think February 13th through March 19th will always be a low point in my year...

I just wish I could call him up and just have one last conversation with him... it kills me that I never got to say a proper goodbye, even two years later.

There are days when I dont feel like myself, knowing that hes not around anymore...

//

Make photo slide shows at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Ahhhhh they're creeping me out....

I've now had another tidal wave dream. In the first, My younger sister, Brogan, and I were standing in our kitchen back home. The kitchen window overlooked our col-de-sac and the swamp on the other side, and their were clear skies. My kitten, Mozilla, was at my feet playing.

All of a sudden, Brogan and I watch these gunmetal clouds come billowing towards the house, and a giant wall of water follows underneath the clouds... Brogan and I both freak out and I manage to scoop Mozie up at the last second before the windows bust open and water starts pouring into the house. She and I are slammed against the kitchen wall nook area that leads to the garage. My dad somehow manages to make it all the way up to us from the back of the house... and then I wake up.

Last night was almost identical, except that Brogan, Mozilla, and I were back near my moms bedroom door. The wall of water came at the house again, I grabbed the cat again, and Brogan and I ran into my moms room and into her bathroom and closed the door. two men were in there, one shaking and crying next to the toilet and one asleep in a tub full of water. It was loud from the pounding of the water in the house. Annnd yeah.... I woke up.


Father

Fathers are interesting dream figures. They may be presented numerous ways and can create many feelings through their presence. Psychological research has shown that your perception of your father has the most impact on your perception of any higher beings that you may believe in. The appearance of your father may indicate warmth, strength, or the lack of these things in their relation to other aspects of the dream. Also, the appearance of your father if he is deceased probably has to do with unresolved issues (these usually can be deciphered based on the other aspects of the dream)

Tidal Wave

Dreams of impending disaster generally indicate that the dreamer is feeling out of control. In the case of the tidal wave, this out-of-control feeling is often combined with the need to make a fresh start.

//

Damn.

I just realized that I dont have any friends that I can really throw ideas back and forth about art with. Ive got a pretty sturdy art history background, ass well as my art major... but all of my friends are like, business majors lol.

I have friends in my classes, but I think Id like to make a couple of them round the clock friends lol.


My focus for Advanced drawing is Self Portraits, and I was thinking of doing a life size landscape portrait of myself (obviously) nude (with all the important bits covered), in a reclining position, making it an amalgam of the Reclining nude composition that was so popular in art history, with the Reclining Buddha, or the Buddha reaching enlightenment right before entering death.


Thoughts?

//

Hmm

So, finally getting back into the swing of drawing... havent seriously sat down to draw since... November? so it's nice, zoning out again... I've been drawing for the past 7 hours or so and it's completely flown by... it's refreshing.





I've got 6 drawings done, and 4 more to go... I've already got the preliminary sketch done for one of them, so essentially only 2 and a half drawings left. lol. BUT ANYWAY. I think Advanced drawing will be a little easier for me then advanced sculpture.... but Lord knows what might happen this year.













































On a side note, I can't decide if I want to buy these high wasted pants or not...



//

Redhead.

"Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead."
-Lucille Ball

Out of the ash
I rise with my red hair
And eat men like air.
-Sylvia Plath


//

This is daunting.

SO I just got back from my advanced sculpture class, and I'm not gunna lie, this semesters gunna be hard. He's given us total freedom of subject, concept, materials... the whole shebang. I have one very distinct sculpture I know I want to do. But thats about it.

I want to make a life size personal version of my dad depicted as the Reclining Buddha, or as the Buddha Entering Nirvana. Itll be covered in images an drawings, and would involve cast molds of hands and feet.

Aside from that though, I dont know what else I would like to do. I think my greater concept is going to be about collecting personalities, so I might do a different person for each sculpture.

I'd really like to try and tackle a life size self portrait too, but Im worried Im being too ambitious.

... maybe I'll just call the series of sculptures 'Vickers'. and do one of each of myself, the one mentioned above of my dad, Breena holding baby Gary, and Brogan.

I think if I did the one of Breena Id end up being snarky and maybe a bit mean, maybe depict her as the Virgin Mary holding baby jesus... Id probably depict her in a negative manner and baby Gary in a good manner, but I dont know how Id do that... the mental image with the burst of rays coming from behind Breenas head is deeply amusing to me though.

I suppose I could do the agony/ecstasy sculpture... kinda cliche though.

Many many things to think about...

//

New Year, New Start.

So, 2009. A brand new start for me. I don't normally do resolutions, but I think I kind of need them this year.

-Budget my money. I really make a good chunk of change for what I do, but I've gotten too accustomed to eating out all the time, dropping like, 30 bucks every other night on drinks and sushi with Lu. So not as much of that, see if I can't save up some money, see if I can't make it to Egypt this Summer, or to New York in March with Lu.

-Try to watch what I eat, and try to get back into spinning classes with Andi. My cardio was awesome the first half of the year, because Andi and I went to spinning nearly every other day. And you're supposed to be in the best shape of your life while in your 20's, right? I should be graduating next December, and will no longer have free access to the UCF gym, so I want to seize the opportunity now. I also really want to get back into dance/ballet/belly dancing classes. Dance put a calm over me the same way drawing does, and I really miss it.

-"If it is not right do not do it; if it is not true do not say it." -Marcus Aurelius. My mother always told me to never lie, and always be honest to myself and others.... which is ironic, because she lied to us for years about her cheating on my dad... but whatever. I lied to myself and to others a lot this past year... and, in retrospect, I don't like it at all. I lost someone very close to me last year for lying. I'm not losing anyone else this year. So if you want to know if your ass looks fat in those jeans.... don't ask me lol.

Picture of the Day:
Last night was the first night I've spent in my bed since I got back from Seattle on the 30th. It was amazing until Zilla woke me up at the crack of dawn, lol.






































And just for amusements sake, a picture of a game Jacob used to play at his Youth group. Mind you, we were entirely sober during this.





























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